When my heart terrifies and eyes are coerced to open
In the middle of the night
I spell your name
There, I find the divine solace
When I am all alone and distress chairs me over
I remember your bright face
There, elation finds its swiftness
When I loose the battle and get thwarted
I embrace your words of encouragement
There, I fight back and win the game
When I count on the miles between us
Every time,
I look at your picture
And let my eyes speak off its words
When nothing seems pleasant and the sun is gloomy,
My Dearest Mom, you’re the best thing ever happened to me.
(an outbrust of feelings when the author was contemplating his mom. His daily conversation to her over the telephone isnt felt to be enough. It has been few years since he had last seen her. She lives thosands of miles away, but is closer than anything else to his heart.)
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Lonesome I'm Left
Amidst darkness; when the tunnel looks long, then I embrace
Your absence - reason of my lonesome posture,
Relentless mind wanders around carrying a question
Why have I lost you?
the fate was cruel then and now surrenders answerless
Slowly I get onwards to the past, I see
Your bright smile and long dark hair,
How they’re teasing the moon
And daunted her hiding in dark cloud in the milieu
Offering me the absolute, alpine pride that I had you.
The comfort, feeling of bliss being with you
The melody of your touch when I lay my head on to your lap
Looking deep into the blinking of your eyes
How I find my own imagery within, your innocence within.
True affection so inviting and very captivating
How they’d send solace my way.
Misfortune I’m offered with, you no longer belong to me
I live in a tunnel, darkness I’ve left to embrace
Provided with your interminable absence, Lonesome I’m left.
(Wandering together with the figment of imagination)
Your absence - reason of my lonesome posture,
Relentless mind wanders around carrying a question
Why have I lost you?
the fate was cruel then and now surrenders answerless
Slowly I get onwards to the past, I see
Your bright smile and long dark hair,
How they’re teasing the moon
And daunted her hiding in dark cloud in the milieu
Offering me the absolute, alpine pride that I had you.
The comfort, feeling of bliss being with you
The melody of your touch when I lay my head on to your lap
Looking deep into the blinking of your eyes
How I find my own imagery within, your innocence within.
True affection so inviting and very captivating
How they’d send solace my way.
Misfortune I’m offered with, you no longer belong to me
I live in a tunnel, darkness I’ve left to embrace
Provided with your interminable absence, Lonesome I’m left.
(Wandering together with the figment of imagination)
Monday, December 8, 2008
Presided by hubris- A late realisation (A story)
Selfishness and hurbis are human's coherent virtues. These elements in human beings could work either ways: constructive or destructive. Moreover, people tend to forget their past when they are better or more resourceful in the present. This is when hubris presides over them. I have recently witnessed myself being controlled by such hubris as well.
I'm not a early morning guy. I usually never wake up early. When i did, i always did it agaist my will and hated it. That shouldnt make me look like lazy, however. Other than waking up early in the morning, i'm a hardworker. Nevertheless, there are couple of days in a week when i witness myself working against my will, that is waking up early in the morning. I've a couple of classes early in the morning. Precisely but ironically, at 8 am.
So one snowy morning, after waking up early in the morning, i was one my way to college. While driving, my eyes took a pause on someone walking on the street. "Oh! He's the new guy to America", I said to myself. He lived next door to me, i realised. He was probably on his way to work which is about 5 miles. "If he sees me, i might be asked for a ride", i said to myself. So, in order to escape from his sight, i speeded up from there and came back on to normal speed when i made sure he was nowhere to be seen through my looking glass.
The absence of his sight through my looking glass suddenly took me back to my "those days" in America few years ago. Hard life and the moments of struggles i had been through revived in my mind. Then a vivid picture from my memory album came right infront of my eyes. The picture that limned myself walking in the Snow to get to work and come back home. I realised the hardship, how the difficulty transcends from physical and gets emotional, esp. for the ones who are new and lost in this relentlessly flowing country. Yes, I've been there, endured all that!!! Today, just becuase i'm a little equipped i forgot my those days.
A vigor guilty conscience attacked me there. I felt bad all the day that day, and the hunting picture didnt show me any mercy for quite a while.
I'm not a early morning guy. I usually never wake up early. When i did, i always did it agaist my will and hated it. That shouldnt make me look like lazy, however. Other than waking up early in the morning, i'm a hardworker. Nevertheless, there are couple of days in a week when i witness myself working against my will, that is waking up early in the morning. I've a couple of classes early in the morning. Precisely but ironically, at 8 am.
So one snowy morning, after waking up early in the morning, i was one my way to college. While driving, my eyes took a pause on someone walking on the street. "Oh! He's the new guy to America", I said to myself. He lived next door to me, i realised. He was probably on his way to work which is about 5 miles. "If he sees me, i might be asked for a ride", i said to myself. So, in order to escape from his sight, i speeded up from there and came back on to normal speed when i made sure he was nowhere to be seen through my looking glass.
The absence of his sight through my looking glass suddenly took me back to my "those days" in America few years ago. Hard life and the moments of struggles i had been through revived in my mind. Then a vivid picture from my memory album came right infront of my eyes. The picture that limned myself walking in the Snow to get to work and come back home. I realised the hardship, how the difficulty transcends from physical and gets emotional, esp. for the ones who are new and lost in this relentlessly flowing country. Yes, I've been there, endured all that!!! Today, just becuase i'm a little equipped i forgot my those days.
A vigor guilty conscience attacked me there. I felt bad all the day that day, and the hunting picture didnt show me any mercy for quite a while.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Body Lay Still.. Breathless, Lifeless...PART I
This is a heart-wrenching story of an individual who went through very serious health issues; the story eyes to depict the feelings emerged when at the moment of being very close voyage to the Another WORLD. In another words "death". Needless to mention, this is a real story.
I remember, from the time I was quite young, that I have always been very healthy. Actually, people would ask me what I did to avoid getting sick. They often asked for advice with their own medical problems. I was a very good student. I was admired and loved by the teachers, and was even popular among friends. They would bring me all their problems. I did my best to help.Life was good during my college years. I was healthy, happy, my future looked promising. Gals would love to fall for me, LOL.
I enjoyed all that life offered and did my best at everything I did. I was very good at sports, games, extra curriculum activities, and even my studies. I was always conscientious about my health and would be on top of any health problem that developed. Life was fun, especially, getting together with my friends. We would party. We would drink.
So, life went on, until I became pale, and for the first time, was not able to make myself better. The paleness turned to jaundice. My bilirubin level was twenty-nine; normal is two. After six months of a strict diet and medications, my levels returned to normal and I felt better.Here is my story…..
It was nine months since I first became pale.I had intolerable upper abdominal pain once or twice a month. My dad took me to a doctor who dismissed it as gastritis, especially since this is a common problem in Nepal. After a month, my pain became worse and worse. We went to a well renowned doctor's clinic. A video x-ray indicated that I had significant stones in my gallbladder. The doctor said, “Well, you need to have your gallbladder removed. Don’t worry.” The next thing we know we are sitting in the surgeon’s office. “Don’t worry, a Cholecystectomy is a simple surgical procedure. We worried.In Nepal, there are essentially two healthcare systems, privatization or public healthcare.
The services available by private pay are very good. The cost is prohibitive, however, for the majority of the people in Nepal. The public hospitals are the alternative, and the only services I can afford. My parents and I went to one of the public hospitals the next day after seeing the surgeon. We were astonished when the scheduling staff said they would let us know when an opening is available for the surgery. They said this would likely be the following year!My parents insisted on taking me to a private hospital. They would not wait a year for their son to have surgery and have relief from the pain. Shortly after arriving at the private hospital, we learned the surgery would be scheduled for Sunday morning, only four days later.
Then, Saturday, August 2003, shortly after midnight, sudden and severe upper abdominal pain woke me.I was too weak to stand. My stomach was tender, swollen, with no bowel activity. I cannot describe the pain, except, if a gunshot in the head, the bullet in your body, is as bad as it gets, this is worse than that.I was screaming with pain. Unable to get in a comfortable position, I crawled all over the floor, sweating profusely. I could not breathe. Hearing screams, my family rushed to my room. They were shocked, seeing me twisted in pain. Not knowing what to do, my family huddled around with hugs. Barely able to speak, I cried, “ take me to the hospital.”
No one ever imagined these were symptoms of such a dreadful disease, but is some acute pain and would subside with a simple Cholecystectomy. My dad rushed to the telephone to call for an ambulance. The line was busy, so he immediately called a cab. It was dark, and raining. Buckled over in pain, it was beyond my means to walk. With my dad on one side and my mother on the other, they were able to get me to the cab, and on to the hospital.
As soon as we arrived, the emergency room physician examined me, and I promptly received injections to decrease the pain. The pain was so severe that I did not get any initial relief. Finally, after five ‘adult’ dosages, the pain subsided enough that the doctor could do further tests, x-rays, and blood work. The doctor suspected Appendicitis.
When I woke up, I realized I was in the hospital and had a NG tube going through my nose and into my stomach. I was still in pain, but it was not as severe as the night before. Now it was a 16 out of 20. That morning the doctors came in to see me, did an examination, then scheduled me for immediate surgery. What followed next happened so fast, it is a blur. The staff prepped me for surgery, shaved my abdomen, and wheeled me to the Operation Theater. Anesthesia quickly examined me and found no blood pressure. The surgical team came, cancelled surgery, and promptly admitted me to ICU. The doctors acted quickly and hooked me to the artificial blood pressure.
The doctor placed two tiny points on the left and right side of my chest and inserted a small IV catheter. The doctor also placed an IV catheter in my hand. I closed my eyes, wondering why my mother was crying, when she looked okay earlier. “Did I have a dangerous disease and was I dying.” I opened my eyes to find her beside me, and asked what was wrong. She tried to smile and said, “Nothing, the doctor wants to keep you here to make sure you are well cared for." I know she was pretending. She then said I would have surgery in a few days which would make me alright after.
I stayed in ICU for what seemed a long time. It was difficult, the pancreatitis hurt, as did the doctor’s restrictions. The doctor confined me to bed rest. Often lying in the same position for hours and hours all the day long, everyday, my back began went sore and was additional pain to pancreas, I was restless, and increasingly uncomfortable. I could not move because of all the tubes and drains. Sleep was more than difficult. I was so thirsty, but unable to have any water. Procedures, treatments, blood work, x-rays, scans, IV cuts, etc were endless, two, three times a day.
Once, a young doctor cut me at the right corner of my chest in order to insert a drainage tube. That made my breathe very difficult. When I told the doctor, he simply answered, “This is how it goes.” But when I told Dr. D. V. Karkee that the tube was making by breathe difficult, he did something very simple (may be shaked the tube or something) but helped me breathe to the tremendous extent.The doctors were nice and supportive. They also encouraged me to stay strong. Dr. Shyam Bahadur Pandey, the Royal Physician, was a friend of my uncle. That made me feel comfortable. Along with Dr. D. V. Karkee, they were so dedicated and worked so hard to make me well.
I lost track of time. I longed for my friends, especially my girlfriend. I wanted to get back to the happy days of college. Thinking of these made me happy, but soon seemed so far away, when I realized that I might never see the people I love or go to school again. I did not know if I would survive or if it were even possible to live through this. When I was alone, I often cried thinking if I might die. I would never show my sadness and fear to my family or friends. When they would visit, I would always say, “Okay.” When they would ask how I was doing.
Once, I told my mother that I was fine and ready to leave ICU and go to the General Ward, because i wanted to spend my remaining days with my family rather than medicine persons. I could not stand staying in the ICU ward for such long, as it was already more than a week, and everyone that was admitted to ICU was of very old age. I didnt want to be weak or show my weakness to people and I cried, “I want to be with you, mother, not with these doctors.” My insistence compelled her to ask the doctor to transfer me. The doctor came and said that I would not only be going to the General Ward, but would be going home soon! “But not today”, he said, as he left the room. I told him that I would die in ICU if I did not get out now. I insisted crying, “Shift me there! Shift me there!” Against his medical judgement, he finally agreed, telling my parents that it may be a big risk to my uncertain life.
The hospital staffs took me downstairs to the General Ward. While I was in the elevator, I began to feel very cold. The coldness around me was rising and I was feeling colder and colder. By the time I arrived to the general ward to transfer to the bed, I was trembling with cold. The nurse took my temperature and said I had another high fever, even more than the night before. My temperature was increasing; the thermothereter couldnt even register it. I was hot, but freezing, I could not breathe. “Call the doctor”, I cried.
My dad was at my side. My breathes were becoming slower and slower. I could hear the vague muffled voices of the doctors and nurses, as they surrounded me, calling for the black oxygen pump, bag, mask, injections. My body lay still, breathless, lifeless.
End of Part I, Part II to be continued soon....
I remember, from the time I was quite young, that I have always been very healthy. Actually, people would ask me what I did to avoid getting sick. They often asked for advice with their own medical problems. I was a very good student. I was admired and loved by the teachers, and was even popular among friends. They would bring me all their problems. I did my best to help.Life was good during my college years. I was healthy, happy, my future looked promising. Gals would love to fall for me, LOL.
I enjoyed all that life offered and did my best at everything I did. I was very good at sports, games, extra curriculum activities, and even my studies. I was always conscientious about my health and would be on top of any health problem that developed. Life was fun, especially, getting together with my friends. We would party. We would drink.
So, life went on, until I became pale, and for the first time, was not able to make myself better. The paleness turned to jaundice. My bilirubin level was twenty-nine; normal is two. After six months of a strict diet and medications, my levels returned to normal and I felt better.Here is my story…..
It was nine months since I first became pale.I had intolerable upper abdominal pain once or twice a month. My dad took me to a doctor who dismissed it as gastritis, especially since this is a common problem in Nepal. After a month, my pain became worse and worse. We went to a well renowned doctor's clinic. A video x-ray indicated that I had significant stones in my gallbladder. The doctor said, “Well, you need to have your gallbladder removed. Don’t worry.” The next thing we know we are sitting in the surgeon’s office. “Don’t worry, a Cholecystectomy is a simple surgical procedure. We worried.In Nepal, there are essentially two healthcare systems, privatization or public healthcare.
The services available by private pay are very good. The cost is prohibitive, however, for the majority of the people in Nepal. The public hospitals are the alternative, and the only services I can afford. My parents and I went to one of the public hospitals the next day after seeing the surgeon. We were astonished when the scheduling staff said they would let us know when an opening is available for the surgery. They said this would likely be the following year!My parents insisted on taking me to a private hospital. They would not wait a year for their son to have surgery and have relief from the pain. Shortly after arriving at the private hospital, we learned the surgery would be scheduled for Sunday morning, only four days later.
Then, Saturday, August 2003, shortly after midnight, sudden and severe upper abdominal pain woke me.I was too weak to stand. My stomach was tender, swollen, with no bowel activity. I cannot describe the pain, except, if a gunshot in the head, the bullet in your body, is as bad as it gets, this is worse than that.I was screaming with pain. Unable to get in a comfortable position, I crawled all over the floor, sweating profusely. I could not breathe. Hearing screams, my family rushed to my room. They were shocked, seeing me twisted in pain. Not knowing what to do, my family huddled around with hugs. Barely able to speak, I cried, “ take me to the hospital.”
No one ever imagined these were symptoms of such a dreadful disease, but is some acute pain and would subside with a simple Cholecystectomy. My dad rushed to the telephone to call for an ambulance. The line was busy, so he immediately called a cab. It was dark, and raining. Buckled over in pain, it was beyond my means to walk. With my dad on one side and my mother on the other, they were able to get me to the cab, and on to the hospital.
As soon as we arrived, the emergency room physician examined me, and I promptly received injections to decrease the pain. The pain was so severe that I did not get any initial relief. Finally, after five ‘adult’ dosages, the pain subsided enough that the doctor could do further tests, x-rays, and blood work. The doctor suspected Appendicitis.
When I woke up, I realized I was in the hospital and had a NG tube going through my nose and into my stomach. I was still in pain, but it was not as severe as the night before. Now it was a 16 out of 20. That morning the doctors came in to see me, did an examination, then scheduled me for immediate surgery. What followed next happened so fast, it is a blur. The staff prepped me for surgery, shaved my abdomen, and wheeled me to the Operation Theater. Anesthesia quickly examined me and found no blood pressure. The surgical team came, cancelled surgery, and promptly admitted me to ICU. The doctors acted quickly and hooked me to the artificial blood pressure.
The doctor placed two tiny points on the left and right side of my chest and inserted a small IV catheter. The doctor also placed an IV catheter in my hand. I closed my eyes, wondering why my mother was crying, when she looked okay earlier. “Did I have a dangerous disease and was I dying.” I opened my eyes to find her beside me, and asked what was wrong. She tried to smile and said, “Nothing, the doctor wants to keep you here to make sure you are well cared for." I know she was pretending. She then said I would have surgery in a few days which would make me alright after.
I stayed in ICU for what seemed a long time. It was difficult, the pancreatitis hurt, as did the doctor’s restrictions. The doctor confined me to bed rest. Often lying in the same position for hours and hours all the day long, everyday, my back began went sore and was additional pain to pancreas, I was restless, and increasingly uncomfortable. I could not move because of all the tubes and drains. Sleep was more than difficult. I was so thirsty, but unable to have any water. Procedures, treatments, blood work, x-rays, scans, IV cuts, etc were endless, two, three times a day.
Once, a young doctor cut me at the right corner of my chest in order to insert a drainage tube. That made my breathe very difficult. When I told the doctor, he simply answered, “This is how it goes.” But when I told Dr. D. V. Karkee that the tube was making by breathe difficult, he did something very simple (may be shaked the tube or something) but helped me breathe to the tremendous extent.The doctors were nice and supportive. They also encouraged me to stay strong. Dr. Shyam Bahadur Pandey, the Royal Physician, was a friend of my uncle. That made me feel comfortable. Along with Dr. D. V. Karkee, they were so dedicated and worked so hard to make me well.
I lost track of time. I longed for my friends, especially my girlfriend. I wanted to get back to the happy days of college. Thinking of these made me happy, but soon seemed so far away, when I realized that I might never see the people I love or go to school again. I did not know if I would survive or if it were even possible to live through this. When I was alone, I often cried thinking if I might die. I would never show my sadness and fear to my family or friends. When they would visit, I would always say, “Okay.” When they would ask how I was doing.
Once, I told my mother that I was fine and ready to leave ICU and go to the General Ward, because i wanted to spend my remaining days with my family rather than medicine persons. I could not stand staying in the ICU ward for such long, as it was already more than a week, and everyone that was admitted to ICU was of very old age. I didnt want to be weak or show my weakness to people and I cried, “I want to be with you, mother, not with these doctors.” My insistence compelled her to ask the doctor to transfer me. The doctor came and said that I would not only be going to the General Ward, but would be going home soon! “But not today”, he said, as he left the room. I told him that I would die in ICU if I did not get out now. I insisted crying, “Shift me there! Shift me there!” Against his medical judgement, he finally agreed, telling my parents that it may be a big risk to my uncertain life.
The hospital staffs took me downstairs to the General Ward. While I was in the elevator, I began to feel very cold. The coldness around me was rising and I was feeling colder and colder. By the time I arrived to the general ward to transfer to the bed, I was trembling with cold. The nurse took my temperature and said I had another high fever, even more than the night before. My temperature was increasing; the thermothereter couldnt even register it. I was hot, but freezing, I could not breathe. “Call the doctor”, I cried.
My dad was at my side. My breathes were becoming slower and slower. I could hear the vague muffled voices of the doctors and nurses, as they surrounded me, calling for the black oxygen pump, bag, mask, injections. My body lay still, breathless, lifeless.
End of Part I, Part II to be continued soon....
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Devastation To Discovery - You're left stranger no longer
Annotations: Please read carefully the annotations before the poem; or else it could be confounding mainly due to:
1) Poem that eyes to depict a rarely discussed scenario of virtual intimacy
2)Overshadowed and forbidden issue
3) Mild analogy of wars and weapons.. ..
4)Optimization of different styled writing
It has been intended to display the graphical picture that talks about a relationship established and fostered in the world of internet. The world that is not as substantial, and not always to be relied on due to the massive trivia led by lies or impersonation issues. But here, he falls for her!!! loves her and wants to pull her out to the reality off the internet.
But later finds out pulling her out isnt easy, as the name she told him wasnt real, her address wasnt real, her email address wasnt real either, neither were her friends or family or her age that she told him were real. And on the top, she disappears on him.. leaving him nowhere to go.Despite this, he's not ready to give her up, amid her LIES (Tremendous barriers) and hurt heart, regardless of the situation of "NO TRACE" he establishes a aggressive motivation for her "Discovery".
The weapons he had were "dedication towards his motivation", "determination", "fury", "jealousy" and highly sharp arsenal "LOVE" to fight against barriers of her lies, situation of no trace, making his way out of darkness and to reach her "Discovery"Abstractly, When he found out she was a complete lie, he was the victim of "Devastation" but the same "Devastation" is also something took him to her pleasant "Discovery"
I hope it makes sense..
Devastation To Discovery - You're left stranger no longer
Virtual closeness, words reflecting profound emotional vulnerability - never adequately suffice
Survival confined to the trivial realm, desires to have you belonged and passion alpined sky
Motivation and passion fusing together emerging obsession- establishment of disaster in the arsenal
Your lies- tremendous barriers; amidst lack of trace- hunting equipments eyed disposal
No loopholes, obsession in growing motion takes wrecking shape rises to "do or die" slogan
Vigor i went, closing my eyes to the remaining world; you being placed in aggressive vision
Tracing you out, initial weapons shot; bew barriers gunned down; vision strike your vague image
Fume upgraded the speed- exploding inquisitiveness , this time rampage hits the pace.
Obstructioins demolished, masks snitched off, curtains no longer avail
Cool breeze blows, fragrance ordor pleasant, peak rage- there defail
Seen you never before yet your appearance - non stranger
Seeding the pip of friendship- spontaneously- you're left stranger no longer.
A Dream Girl
A Dream girl
Waking up with barrenness; days don’t offer contentment
She resides in thoughts; my heart is her planet
Beautiful she is, naïve and inherent are her eyes
Long and though dark, her hair brightens her to shine
She is so mature and is the foundation of rational acts
Essentially she loves me that’s an unconditional fact
The most beautiful lips she has, invites mine to mingle
Coziness radiates to warmth, no paradise exists other than this single
A touch of her persuades captivation to my heart and there, for her I fall
Endorsed by divinity- She’s a rectified Dream girl
Waking up with barrenness; days don’t offer contentment
She resides in thoughts; my heart is her planet
Beautiful she is, naïve and inherent are her eyes
Long and though dark, her hair brightens her to shine
She is so mature and is the foundation of rational acts
Essentially she loves me that’s an unconditional fact
The most beautiful lips she has, invites mine to mingle
Coziness radiates to warmth, no paradise exists other than this single
A touch of her persuades captivation to my heart and there, for her I fall
Endorsed by divinity- She’s a rectified Dream girl
"Talking FEW or VERY LESS about the one who awakes the author in his dream. She persuades him to be available at his discovery in the reality, in the real realm. A vague image of her is in the Authors' mind, but discovering her is his vivid romantic Motivation."
Petrifying-Ridiculing-Absurd-Gullible-Yowling-Act
Knowingly ignored your dishonesty, but could have you never refrained
Contiguous you went; strent you led them to, yet never congested
A gradual realisation entices my posture to deterrence
Yet avoids words appear into coherent utterance
Being with you someday was PRIDE, but now takes a cruel twist into Embarrassment
With you gearing up this motion of dishonesty, leaving no zilch for any amendment
Its peak enough now and i cant take it any longer
Evidently you wont stop; might it just optimize brutual devastation if it just foster
Let me end this before it ends nature's beautiful creation, or you end your lies
Or else, at this point - necessarily - effervescent hallucination dies
"Being too naive was a blatant peccadillo"
"Peccadillo", i've loved using this word in this compelling scenerio. This work is not entirely a fiction. Semblence to Author's "then existent" and "coericing" enviornment is asserted.
Contiguous you went; strent you led them to, yet never congested
A gradual realisation entices my posture to deterrence
Yet avoids words appear into coherent utterance
Being with you someday was PRIDE, but now takes a cruel twist into Embarrassment
With you gearing up this motion of dishonesty, leaving no zilch for any amendment
Its peak enough now and i cant take it any longer
Evidently you wont stop; might it just optimize brutual devastation if it just foster
Let me end this before it ends nature's beautiful creation, or you end your lies
Or else, at this point - necessarily - effervescent hallucination dies
"Being too naive was a blatant peccadillo"
"Peccadillo", i've loved using this word in this compelling scenerio. This work is not entirely a fiction. Semblence to Author's "then existent" and "coericing" enviornment is asserted.
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